All Grown-Up

So when are you officially grow-up?

When you have a job?  A mortgage?  Kids?

Just when you think you've got this all sorted, a look, a word, a night out sends you spinning back through the decades and you're trapped in the the younger you.

Sometimes this is fun, exhilarating even, like going to watch a friend play in a band is a simple example.  He was amazing, totally blowing me away with complex hand and feet moves,  mimicking the band they were covering (It was a cover band competition) to near perfection.  And they were totally robbed of a placing.

Everyone at the competition knew me as Dandy, I wasn't a mother, a wife,  I was me.  I barely remember a time before all that and it was liberating and very heady stuff.  It also helped that the bands were playing music from my past, each song, had a memory attached to it, like when I first heard the Pixies 'Hey' in a friends room in Halls.  Before I knew it, I was admiring a strange man's (and I mean strange as in I didn't know him, I'm sure he's perfectly normal!) tattoos on his chest, totally blown away by the simplicity and beauty of them, then realising that I was staring at a naked man's chest, just about to trace the patterns of the lines to try and memorise them, because I could use them in the story I'm writing at the moment....and I was married. And have kids.  And should definitely not be doing things like that! (Maybe a picture...NOOOOOO!)  That's the kind of thing I did when I was 19 and single!  Plus I think it would have totally freaked the poor boy out.  But for those hours, in that environment I was a younger me and it was great fun.  Although my social skills are a little rusty.  When asked about what music I was into, I didn't think nursery rhymes and "The Autumn Song" from Cbeebies would really cut it.

Then there is the downside.  Having escaped the playground drama and bulling of school, I suddenly found myself dragged back there again.  It doesn't matter that I'm the adult in the playground waiting to pick up, nothing has changed in some ways.  Everywhere you look there are cliques and the odd person who has to make sure you are put in your place (well below them).  You know the ones from school I'm talking about.  A certain person was going around slagging me off to friends, but was all sweetness and smiles to my face.  At first I was upset, going over in my mind what I could have done or said to warrant this attack, but without knowing exactly what they was saying, it was hard.  Every time they smiled at me and said hello, I'd smile back, kicking myself for being so weak and eager to please.  My resolve to confront them turning to mush whenever I was face to face with them.

So what has changed?  Well I'm lucky.  I have lots of amazing friends who like and accept me for who I am and a large extended family who love me no matter what.  However what really swung it for me, was the realisation that I live life how I want to.  I'm true to myself and what I believe in.  Yes I still do things that I'm not proud of (eating the kids chocolate then telling them that they must have eaten it), but I also do lots of things that I am very proud of.  As I look at my children and marvel at how they are turning out, and the incredibly, bright, witty, beautiful people I'm lucky to call my friends, I figure that what one person says about me doesn't matter.  Anyone who knows me, will know it's fabricated and if they don't, then they aren't really a friend anyway.  I only hope I can pass this on to my children as it'll save them a lot of worry and heartache.  Sadly I think this is a lesson they'll have to learn on their own, but I hope to be able to give them the tools.

So "I don't mean to be bitchy, but...." I win.  You can't get to me and I see it in your eyes.  So thank you for making me see what an amazing person I am!

Maybe I am all grown-up, because, if this feeling of self-worth is what it means to be grown-up, I like it!